Now that my son is three-years-old, it’s time to take the kid gloves off and start treating him like a man. That means that it’s time for us guys to be dudes and start talking trash to each other, because, as men, we are unable to show love in a traditional manner so we hide our love through our insults. Scientists have shown that this is incredibly healthy and not the sign of deeper issues underneath the surface.
So we’ve started calling each other names, and it usually goes like this.
Me: You are a banana.
Son: I’m not a banana. YOU are a banana.
Me: I’m not a banana. You’re a hamburger.
Son: I’m not a hamburger. You are a lamp.
We will go for 15 minutes like this. Sometimes, he’ll throw the insult back in my face, and sometimes he’ll look around the room and call me whatever he sees. Sometimes, when he just keeps throwing my insults back at me, I use my advanced adult brain to trick him into complimenting me. I’ve called him “Handsome,” “Strong” and “The best parent,” only to hear him deny it and send it right back at me. Even when a compliment isn’t genuine, it still feels good.
His most common insult has been calling me a “nugget.” This is especially fun for me as it means I get to act like Owen Hart as I yell at him that I am not a nugget.
But we have started to get more and more elaborate with our insults. I can’t just call him a grill. Instead, I’ll call him a black propane grill, and he’ll adamantly reply that he is in fact, NOT, a black propane grill. I have called him the, “deep end of the swimming pool, and “Dad’s work computer.”
But he’s taken my lead and started getting creative. He once called me, “Kimby’s (dog’s name) bumpy best butt.” I have to give it to him; he took what I gave him and elevated it. He also once called me, “the dirt underneath the table,” which is basically the nastiest crud around and was a legitimately hurtful burn. I just had to bury my head in my hands as I had been thoroughly roasted.
Although screaming insults at a child is incredibly fun, I think it might actually be useful. His vocabulary is only going to get better as he will always do his best to repeat back what I say to him. Considering he’s hearing some of these words and phrases for the first time, he’s showing an incredible ability to spit it back at me. I’m now using it to focus on teaching him about the finer things in life by calling him, “All Elite Wrestling’s Kenny Omega” or “New Japan’s Testuya Naito,” and sure enough he will respond back that he is not, in fact, New Japan’s Tetsuya Naito.
So yes, I love calling my son names and participating in the back-and-forth ribbing that guys use in order to hide our true feelings. I love that little nugget, but I’d never say that to his face.
…
The nugget part. I tell him I love him all the time. Come on, I’m not a monster, just a guy who likes talking trash.
Yes, hopefully, he takes after his Mom.