This Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Book Is Insane

Insanely awesome

I used to be weird. Like, really, just a strange individual that would do things just to make myself laugh. The funniest things I have ever said have gotten zero reaction from the people around me, but I have laughed hysterically at my own genius. I'm much more normal now, although my wife still doesn't think I'm funny. Anyway, one of the weird things I got into during high school was going to Savlation Army or Goodwill, or a random garage sale and buying clothes, CDs, and children's books. Clothes are understandable, CDs are weird but found some gems, and I don't know why I bought some children's books. I guess because I was too lazy to ever read an adult book? 

Anyway, all of this is a long way to say that I need to introduce everyone to, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Don’t Do Drugs! - A Rap Song.”

If that doesn’t hook you in, I don’t know what will.

We start simple enough, with the TMNT letting you know that drugs are bad.

First off, I love that they aren’t just rapping, but they are performing. Clearly, they have a dance number that they have put together, and it’s truly a spectacle. I also love that they are called drug pushers. That was never a term I heard, and this probably came out a few years before I hit the DARE program, but they were always drug dealers in my world. But for the Turtles, they aren’t going to play the drug pushers’ games.

You know this guy is a big roller, because he’s got a Cadillac. Also, this must be a pretty massive drug dump if he’s offering the kid $20 to take a bag to him. Like, I can’t imagine he’s handing this kid a brick of cocaine and hoping for the best, but maybe finding random kids on the street is how high-level drug distribution works?

I would like to imagine that drug dealers do talk about the possibility of juvenile detention and say, “I’ll be honest with you, it’s not much fun, but it is kind of fun, so not all bad if things go sour.” I might have gotten into the drug pushing game if somebody would have used this sort of argument.

This was always my thought on getting offered drugs. A guy in a leather jacket with an earring just waiting outside my school so they could jive with me. It never happened which was one of the great disappointments in life.

I do have to admit that it wouldn’t be very fun to be called a baby or a chicken for not taking free drugs. I do like that the book mentions escalating prices in the drug industry, because at that point the Turtles are just staying woke on Big Pharma.

I don’t really have anything insightful to say about this page, but I just really liked the basketball-related rhymes and figured I should give credit where credit is due. These Turtles are true rappers.

This is probably the most insane part of the book. These four pages go off the drug theme and just talk about doing well in school. There is no reason, no transition, just clearly needed to hit a page quota and didn’t have any other drug scenarios that they could possibly dream up. I love it.

And then it just switches back to the drugs talk. Absolutely seamless.

These pages are definitely my favorite, because I like to take this pizza order literally. I mean, the only time that I tell a place that I don’t want a specific thing is when that thing normally comes on it. So I understand getting a specialty pizza and requesting no anchovies. What I don’t understand is that they’re at a pizza place where they need to explicitly state, “No crack, no smack, no angel dust.” I’ve never seen that on the menu at any pizza place I’ve been to, but it really got me thinking that maybe this is just a key ingredient in pizza, and that’s why people love pizza so much. I’m definitely going to specify that I don’t want any hard drugs on my pizza the next time I make an order.

But if you don’t spend your time on drugs, what should you spend your time on?

Michelangelo is clearly setting these two up on a date. Nice.