When your wife gets pregnant, you are going to learn something incredible about your family and friends. It turns out that they are all expert parents, and the great news is they are willing to share their expertise with you, whether you want it or not, for FREE. Aw, who am I kidding? It isn't just family and friends. Random strangers will give you unsolicited advice, and a lot of it will be mind blowingly stupid. We're a few months in, and it hasn't stopped, so there may be an endless stream of advice coming our way about how to raise our child. The good news is that the mother will get far more of this dumbass advice, so at least you'll know that, like everything involved with having a child, the woman is suffering more. Let's go over some highlights.
Babies Cry
I know this sounds too stupid for people to actually tell you it, but no, they definitely tell you about how babies are going to cry. They will follow that up by telling you that you will then have to figure out what is wrong. You'll wonder if they are going to bring up a new piece of information, but no, they always just say that most times it is because they are hungry or have a dirty diaper, and yeah, even never having a baby, I probably could have guessed those things.
Babies Smell Bad
Do not complain of any bad odors when you are expecting a child. If you do, someone will respond with, "Well, if you think that's bad, just wait until the baby gets here. Then you'll really know what bad smells are like." Does a baby's poop smell bad? Yes. But you know what else smells bad? EVERYONE'S POOP. Yeah, the kid has had some pungent ones, but I've had ones that brought tears to my eyes. I get that cleaning up poop is not going to be the most pleasant olfactory experience, but in case you don't, there will be a dozen people to warn you.
Good Luck Sleeping
This one should really blow your mind as it is more difficult to sleep when a baby arrives. You see, they cry, and that makes it tough to fall asleep. You should even care and comfort the baby when it's crying, even if it's late at night. Also, if you sleep anywhere near a baby, make sure you don't roll over on it and suffocate it. I repeat, DO NOT SUFFOCATE THE BABY.
Watch Out For Pee
This is the most common one for boys as they have the ability to shoot piss out of their dick, and it can land on you. This was built up so much that I assumed he would attempt to pee on me every single time I changed a diaper. People have strategies on how to avoid this, but it's all shit, because he's going to pee when you least expect it. And my kid has peed on me three times in his first two months. They are all just little squirts, and it is not that big of a deal. Plus, by trying to stop him from peeing on you, you will miss out on that fun moment when he pees on himself as my son has come dangerously close to peeing into his own mouth. We've luckily avoided that one so far.
The Best Advice I Received
Everybody has one train wreck of a friend who you cannot imagine doing anything adultlike in their lifetime. My friend has manged to defy expectations and get a wife and two kids. He's still a train wreck at times, but he's managed to balance those things. Although the conversation started off rocky when asking me about staying awake for a Bears night game, I have to admit that the most valuable piece of advice I would get would come from him.
Bears Fan: You going to be able to stay awake?
Me: Not a chance. if I see the fourth quarter, it would be a miracle.
BF: What are you going to do when Machete gets here?
Me: Make his bedtime before mine.
BF: Babies wake up a lot.
Me: Not mine. I'm gonna sing that Ludacris song about going to sleep.
BF: I am going to start calling you at 11 pm, 1 am, and 3 am.
Me: I sleep right through my vibration so go ahead although you might wake up my wife who would murder you if you disrupted her sleep.
BF: What is she going to do when Machete comes?
Me: Babies sleep 16-18 hours a day. We're just going to have ours do it straight through. It's not rocket science.
BF: Hahaha. You are killing me, bro. Try 2-3 hours at a time for breastfed babies, maybe an hour more for formula fed. I like your optimism though.
Me: Sounds like your baby lacks discipline. Just because Machete is a baby doesn't mean he has to act like one.
BF: I know you're just messing around. One piece of advice: No snap up outfits. Zipper or nothing.
Me: Alright, I'll pass that along to the boss (my wife).
Snaps are fine for onesies, but if it's long sleeves, they really do suck, so you should try to do your best to avoid them. That was something I would not have given much thought to, but it's valuable advice. This friend also got us the most thoughtful gift of anyone, so maybe he's not such a train wreck. Wait, does that make me the train wreck friend? Oh no, I think I need some advice.
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