Now that I’ve turned 38 years old, and I’m officially old, I feel as I’ve learned a few things about the issues that are associated with my new age class. Some of these things are well-known so I’m not going to focus on wrinkles or gray hair. That shit ain’t nothing. These are the real things that have truly shocked me at different points. In no particular order.
Ear Hair
I have had a steady increase in hair as I’ve grown older. For this, I am thankful as it means the hair on my head has not dissipated. But body hair, I expected, and luckily it has led to limited back hair. Even nose hairs, I knew those would come. But what I didn’t understand were the ear hairs. Ear hairs just sprout out of nowhere and were an absolute shock to me. I mean, one day, I’m a young man with sleek ears, and the next day, I am plucking an inch long hair from my ear, and I have no idea how it got there. Do I kind of enjoy plucking these hairs? Not kind of, I freaking love it. It’s all the satisfaction of plucking a nose hair without the extreme pain that brings tears to my eyes. Ear hairs are disgusting, but they also give me a hobby.
Tiny Nose Hairs
I knew that I would get nose hairs, and I relish plucking big long ones as that is a painful yet satisfying experience. But what I hate are the tiny nose hairs that grow right near the opening of a nostril. They are difficult to grab, cause extreme pain, and there’s very little satisfaction when you pull out a little dinker of a hair.
Weird Growths
This isn’t an everybody thing, but I now have a dermatofibroma on my leg. This small bump around my knee that is just there. It doesn’t hurt; it’s not harmful; it’s just there. It’s unsightly, and my legs have always been my best feature, so I have considered having it surgically removed, but that is just my vanity as opposed to any health-related concern. I believe that everyone has something that will unexpectedly pop up as a completely unpredictable and disgusting sign of their age. But that may just be wishful thinking on my part.
Feet
My feet are just deteriorating. They might be getting smaller, but that’s not too noticeable, but they are getting far more disgusting. My big toes have massive calluses on the side that I try to scrub away to give them the perfect form they once had. My feet are getting more and more hair on them, and that’s also taking over on the big toe as well. A couple months ago I got a blister on the bottom of my big toe, and it just turned black for six weeks. It’s still not totally back to normal, but I at least don’t have to live in obvious shame anymore. My feet used to be something that you could put on a website and make a good chunk of change. Now I can’t even give my foot pics away.
New Pains
I’m pretty sure I pinched a nerve a few months ago. Just all of a sudden I couldn’t turn my head without extreme pain. It was not great. But the big issue is that with every new ailment, you are never sure if this is your new normal. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to turn my head again. Any new pain leads to fear. Is this permanent, is this going to last a few months, or will I better in a few days? The answer is almost always a few days, but not always. For months, my achilles was in extreme pain the second that I got out of bed and started walking in the mornings. It always went away after a few minutes, but I started my day hobbling for quite a while. Now, I honestly don’t know if the pain went away or if I just got used to it. I know that eventually my body will just be in pain permanently.
I ain’t as good as I once was
I can’t powerbomb children without fear of repercussions. With my own son, I got it down. I know exactly which moves I can and can’t do. Power moves, no problem, I can even allow him to hit me with a Tornado DDT or a Frankensteiner. Where I ran into issues is when I went to play with my nephews. They are only 4 and 7 years old, respectively, but these little monsters sandbagged me as I went for powerbombs. The 4-year-old I could still put up with relative ease, but I felt a sharp pain in my back when I had to put up the 7-year-old. The next morning, I could barely move, but I persevered, and luckily, I have learned the value of stretching as I have gotten older. Weirdly, going for a run the day after helped loosen everything up, but I wasn’t going to tempt fate again with another powerbomb. I would say I learned my lesson, but I will 100% get caught up in the moment the next time I see them and attempt something that my body is not made to survive without serious repercussions.
My poops are disgusting
If I’m jealous of my child in one way, it’s his poops. His poops are a work of art. They’re a perfect four on the Bristol Stool Chart while I’m dealing with consistent 5s and 6s. Should I eat healthier? Of course, unless you’re a health nut, you could always improve on your diet. But it’s not like I eat poorly. Fast food is rare, and even then it’s the “healthy” kinds like Chic-Fil-A. I love making my own food, but perfect fours are rare enough that they are cause for celebration.
Wisdom
I am still a dumbass. I have received the physical ailments without any of the wisdom that was supposed to come with it. I mean, if you’re looking to raise a child, look no further than Dalton in Road House for advice. Expect the unexpected, take it (the kid) outside, and be nice. I really can’t offer any more than that. It’s only going to go downhill from here. I’ll have increased physical ailments while also looking towards 80s action movies for parenting advice. I’m sure there is some use for Commando’s, “Hey Sully, remember when I said I’d kill you last? (Yeah, you did)…I lied” will apply to my son becoming a teenager, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.