Book Review: Biscuit Plays Ball
Warning: This book has the most terrifying illustrations I have ever seen
If you're at all familiar with the Biscuit book series, you know that there is more fluff than stuff. By the time I finish this opening paragraph, I will likely have put in more words than the entire book's contents. If you're not familiar, don't worry, as you'll get the gist of everything through this review. These are simple books for early readers, but my son isn't quite up to the reading challenge, meaning that I am adult who gets very irritated with some of the antics. Mostly, I just think that the girl in this book is the worst dog owner in history, and I'm not sure if there is a better example than Biscuit Plays Ball.
We start off fairly normal. The girl has brought Biscuit to the park to play ball. The game is about to begin, and Biscuit looks ready to use that energy to have a great afternoon. Unfortunately, Biscuit is about to run into some bad news.Â
This girl is awful. Just an atrocious little human being. Taking the dog to the park to play ball, letting the dog carry the ball to the park, and then telling the dog, "No, please sit off to the side while I have fun with my friends. Hope you have fun doing absolutely nothing."Â
The only saving grace is that this girl is a real dumbass.Â
Yeah, if you just tell a dog to sit by himself while you play ball, it has less than a zero percent chance of working. Biscuit revolts and decides that if he isn't allowed to play ball, then nobody gets to play ball, and he immediately pops a hole into the ball. He is completely justified in his actions.
This page isn't so important to the plot, but I really just want to point out the girl that is closest to the crease between pages. She is so appalled by what Biscuit has done to the ball that she is bent over and puking her guts out. She tries to hold in the vomit with her hand, but you know that there is about to be bodily fluids bursting out in every which direction.Â
If you notice in the distance, a friend with her dog, Puddles, is coming with a bat and a ball. This is where things get truly terrifying. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This is a game that a dog should actually not play. Do not let an unpredictable animal off leash near small children swinging bats. I get ill to my stomach every time I look at this page, as I am fully expecting Biscuit to take a Louisville Slugger to the jaw.
Thank God that little girl read Moneyball. She knows that a walk is just as value as a hit, and that pitch does look like it's going to be coming in a little high. Also, please pay attention to the kids as the girl with the glove just starts breakdancing. The black girl is the only one that has played sports before so she's totally confused by the girl breakdancing. Meanwhile, the other two girls act as hype ladies as they just start jumping and screaming for the sweet moves.
This book is truly insane from start to finish, but at least it ended in a dance party. Sadly, this will not be the end of this girl's poor pet ownership as you will later learn that she is not only a bad pet owner but simply a bad person.